I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We have started to decorate penises.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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