I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
