You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
