After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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