I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
