Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
