you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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