hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
