In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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