Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my poor anus
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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