i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
