She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
