Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
