the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
