I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
