Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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