on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
