You're my little dorito
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
