Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
