So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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