Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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