She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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