So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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