Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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