so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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