Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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