The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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