Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
