I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
