I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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