Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
