i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
