I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
