Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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