I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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