She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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