...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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