Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
