I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
