I think my fart just growled at me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He did a backflip because drugs
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