false alarm. still invincible.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
