my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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