look no pants
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
