I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
