Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
