The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
