Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
