I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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