if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
