So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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